Did you know that Frankie Muniz is now thirty eight years old? Hard to believe right? Unless like me you know that he was born in Woodbridge, New Jersey, on 5th December, 1985. But everyone knows that right? Like that his Mom, Denise, was a nurse. You must know that. It’s right at the top of his Wikipedia. What I bet you don’t know is that Malcom suffers from something called aura-migraines, which are like really intensive migraines, like so bad that they cause his memory loss. He told me that. Some people think that he has like Alzheimer’s or suffers from like strokes, but that’s just not true. He just suffers from like a memory problem where he can’t remember the actual moment but like remembers looking at like film or photographs of it. I guess this is why he never remembers me.

I’ve always loved Malcolm since like forever. Not that that’s wrong. I was like sixteen, it was totally age appropriate. Child actors are always older than they appear. I’m sick of people telling me I’m wrong. He’s like thirty eight now, for God’s sake. I know that a lot of people always thought that Dewey was the cute one but I always thought that Malcolm looked the tastiest. I always sympathised with Frankie cos I was like the clever one in my family too. We always had a lot in common. My mother was also a nurse and extremely abusive. I also had two brothers. I’d dream about him like every night. How satisfying it would be to have him inside me. I always considered it a dream. I never realised that one day I would actually get to meat him. 

About the same time that I got into Malcolm I also became obsessed with Armin Miewes. The idea that someone would agree to let you eat them amazed me. I was like totally floored when Malcolm agreed. Like Frankie, I never had much money growing up, so was never able to travel to meet him. He lived at 12334 Cantura Street, Studio City, Los Angeles. He really did. It’s like a real house. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Whereas I lived at 923 Weeber Street, Iowa City.

I first went to look for him at his school in North Hollywood but was unsuccessful. Some jokers there told me that I was an idiot, that it was just used as a filming location, and that he wasn’t real. And they thought that I was an idiot! Just because someone is on TV doesn’t mean that they’re not real. Of course Malcolm is real. It’s not a fucking cartoon! Unless, of course, they were just trying to protect him. Maybe they were his friends. Maybe they like knew somehow that I wanted to eat him. That I wanted to feel him fighting for his life inside my belly.

Jean used to say that my obsession with Frankie was obsessive. Maybe it is. But it’s not unhealthy. I’ve met and consumed him so many times, and it only ever ends badly for him. I feel great as his cute face and delicious brain slide down my gaping throat and into my digestive system.

I was delirious with excitement when he agreed to meet me after a race in Michigan. He’s also a racing driver, you know? You must know? Everyone knows that. It doesn’t surprise me that Malcolm grew up to be a racing driver. Despite his intellect, he always was a wild one.

I met him after the race and he was like all musty and sweaty in his overalls and excited to see me as usual. He had just won the race and we celebrated together by showering naked in the giant bottle of Champagne. It made me giddy, like. He was all sweet and sticky, like. Ready to be consumed. He had like a look of resigned acceptance on his face, just like when his Mom punishes him, as I licked the ridge between his eyebrows and opened wide. My belly is now massively distended and I can feel my stomach lining vibrating as he yells for Reese to come and help him. But it’s like far too late for that. I slunk down in the driver's seat of his race car, my giant belly pushing up against the steering wheel. I feel him kick out and the horn blares, but no one is close enough to hear it. I touch myself and fall asleep.

People online wonder why they never see him in anything anymore. But I know why.

I can’t wait to be able to afford to go to California.