A Guide to Cooking Your Way to Greatness

Required ingredients:

• A large bowl of healthy appetite

• 350 lbs of horn

• Enough food to feed a small country

• 26 gallons of greed

• Lard

Introduction

The art of cooking and by extension its more attractive cousin, baking, are essential skills for all who wish to indulge in greatness. Greatness is a multi-faceted beast. Some insist that it is just a state of mind, but it is more than this. It is also a state of body. Unlike beauty it lies not in the eye of the beholder but in the belly of the great. Only when belly and mind are one can true greatness be achieved. Cooking and baking are the path to greatness. Great people cannot only rely on the generosity of others. Yes, greed is good, and you should take as much as you can from others, however, to be great you must also learn to be self-sufficient. Feed yourself as you would have others feed you. Balance is the key. The belly and the ass. Only then will the inherent greatness waiting to expand inside you grow to your potential.

Instructions

Take your bag of sugar and spoon half of it into your mouth. You will need the energy rush that pure glucose provides to maintain you throughout the cooking period. Pour the other half into a large mixing bowl. Crack in as many eggs as you have and mix with a bag of flour. Remember that cooking is an art form, exact measurements are not required. Place the mixture to one side. Take the largest cooking pot that you have and fill it with bars of chocolate. Once full, place it on a hob and melt the chocolate down. At this point the impatient cook would take the delicious gooey chocolate and mix it in with the sugar, flour, and eggs. Remember though, patience is a virtue. As a great cook you should drink down the entire pot of melted chocolate before starting again. Practice makes perfect. Once you have a second melted pot of chocolate you may mix that with the rest of the mixture, but, be sure to remember to taste as you go. Great artists take great care. Once the mixture is complete. Take a large wooden spoon and eat all of it. Lick up every last drop from the bowl. Wash the bowl (even artists require good hygiene), preheat the oven and repeat the whole process, only this time add two bags of icing sugar for extra sweetness. Bake the cake so that it will be ready as an aperitif by the time you have cooked the main course.

There are many options of what to cook for dinner so it is best if you have use of an industrial kitchen so that you can make all of them. Many require gravy. This should be made with 26 gallons of full fat milk, not water! Remember we are artists not criminals. Gaining the right balance of gravy granules to milk takes practice so be sure to drink plenty of it in order to establish the correct ration. Take your time. It is more important to get it right than to do it quickly. Greatness takes time. Roast beef is delicious. Like with all of your meats; do not remove the fat. Fat is the secret ingredient of greatness. Gammon, ham, and bacon, are all equally worthy and compliment each other well. Some cooks will tell you that there are better and worse cuts to be had from the cow. Great cooks know that all cuts are equal. Lamb, chicken, turkey, and horse balance all good meals. Ducks are a compliment so be sure to use at least a dozen. The consumption of rare animals is a declaration of luxurious greed. Declare your greed and do not spare a life. Carbohydrates are an essential part of any balanced diet and provide long term energy. The consumption of many within a short time period hence increases greatness. Balance your meal with roast, mashed, and boiled potatoes. Rice and pasta go with everything. These are what we call staple foods. This means that it is natural to eat more of them than anything else. Nature is great. Greatness is balance. Use all of nature to be great. This includes fruit and vegetables. Though this may seem abhorrent to some of you, remember; every calorie counts.

While your main course is cooking. Eat your cake. You should have worked up a healthy appetite by now. Once you have eaten the cake, you will feel an insatiable hunger deep inside of your belly. This is your greatness awakening. Serve up the entirety of your main course, whether it is fully cooked or not, and devour all of it. Art is passion. Passion is art.

Now, I know what you are thinking. What about dessert? After all of your cooking exertions it is now time to treat yourself. Stealthily enter your friend's kitchen and steal everything in there. All of his cooked foods should be consumed with haste, as should all edible uncooked items. Once you have taken as much as you can from others it is time to return to self-sufficiency and make dessert. All of the best desserts are ready made, frozen, and served with cream and ice cream. If you require time for certain items to defrost, fill that time with the consumption of everything else. Taste-testing is important at all levels of cooking. There is no such thing as too many flavours and no such thing as too much.

Once you have consumed everything in the kitchen, cooked and uncooked, it is time to relax. Remove all of your clothing for comfort and lie on the floor. You should now be feeling great. This will show in your belly which will have expanded to an immense size. Rub your hugely ballooned belly and wallow in the sensations and noises caused by your almost exploding stomach. The expulsion of gas from the mouth and anus is only your greatness filling the air. Welcome it and take joy. Pull on yourself and take in the satisfaction. With any luck your skinny loser friend, whose food you stole, will enter your kitchen and start to complain at you. Take pleasure in his loss. Tell him to shut the fuck up and demand that he pleasure you. He will concede to the greatness of your belly. Make him suck your dick and lick and kiss every inch of your heavily expanded fat ball. Call him a loser, call him scum. Make him tell you how fat you are, what a great cook you are. When your own milk spills out and up the underside of your sweaty bloated heaving underbelly, push his face deep in it. Suffocate him in your fat and make him clean all of your milk up with his pathetic starving tongue.

Now you are a cook. Now you have achieved greatness. 

© Mr Joseph-Jackson, Surplus High.