According to Mark Twain, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” And it’s not. It’s a ghost town in Arizona. Only it’s spelt Denile. Only that’s not true either. I just made that up. It sounds like it could be though. I can just imagine a lone gunman played by someone like Clint Eastwood or John Wayne standing outside the saloon in Denile, twelve noon, eighteen hundred and seventy three, staring down the barrel of a gun, aimed straight at them by a man in a black hat. “Fuck you,” Clint Wayne would spit at his dark refection, John Eastwood. Who would fire and miss. Though no one ever said, “fuck you” in a John Ford movie. But they would in Denile. People in denial always say “fuck you.” They can’t accept any self blame. Awareness is shameful.

My name is Jason. Jason Tile. A strange name for a strange guy. I am ADHD but not a bit aspergers. No matter what anyone else says. My intense interests are the Wild West, Egyptian history, and words that rhyme. I also use the Oxford comma. My obsession, though, is fat guys. Did you know that there’s a correlation, if not a direct causal relationship, between neuro-diversity and adipophilia? Adipophilia means a sexual attraction to fat people. I made that up as well. Not the meaning of adipophilia, that’s correct. I mean the correlation between neural-divergence and like gaining and feeding and all that stuff. I made that bit up. Though that doesn’t make it not true. I suspect that it may be true. I don’t think anyone has ever researched it properly. A lack of facts doesn’t disprove something, it means just that; that there is a lack of facts.

People who are into gaining tend not to like researchers and psychologists and the like. They seem to distrust them. They tend to ban them from their websites as if they don’t want to understand the reasons why they are like they are. I think that they think that I think that because they are worthy of study that there must be something wrong with them. But that’s their own bad. I think that they are scared of their own difference, and are afraid to admit it. 

Intersectionality becomes irrelevant when you’re a gainer because gaining goes against all social norms. It doesn’t matter if you’re hetero or homo-normative, black, white, yellow, arab, cis, or trans. Or even a cis-phobic pan-Arab, like say, Gamal Abdel Nasser in a dress. That man was ahead of his time. Isis would have approved. It’s not situational either. Time and place have no relevance in this equation. It may be linked to personality. That is state or trait. Maybe it's genetics? It may be because you have low self-esteem? Because Mommy didn’t love you enough? Or maybe, Daddy loved you too much? If you get what I mean? Like say if like, Uncle Bad Touch, loved you too hard? Now you get it. Sorry if that was insensitive.

Maybe it’s genetic? Maybe it really is your sexuality? Or maybe it’s a kink that you developed cos you happened to fall down that particular online rabbit hole? Sexuality is nature and kink is nurture. That’s what Daddy told me. Joke.

I’ve just read back over the last paragraph and realised that I mentioned Isis. I of course mean the Egyptian God and not the murderously insanely genocidal islamist cult. They didn’t approve of anything as far as I can tell. God knows what they did to the gainers? 

There must have been some gainers living under the Islamic State between 2015 and 2019? I mean they controlled an area containing like twelve million people. It must be a statistical certainty. Unless of course purposeful weight gain is caused by environmental factors? In which case being brought up in Hershey, Pennsylvania is more likely to cause you to bust a nut to a fat guy than like being born in like Fallujah is, right?

I hope no gainers suffered under the tyranny of the Islamic State. They have enough bullshit to deal with already. If I could do my Phd then I would like to study this. Not the islamic state thing, that would be impossible. I mean like the link between neuro-diversity, social normativity, and gainerism. But I can't because I’m still in high school.

Lyle and Kyle are from Carlisle. Not Carlisle, Pennsylvania. Which is just west of Harrisburg, 36.3 miles from Hershey if you take I-81. No, they are from Carlisle, Cumbria. Which is in the north of England.

Carlisle, Cumbria , is a shit hole. Not my opinion, but the opinion of the internet. I’ve never been there, obviously. I just looked it up. It looks miserable. The sort of place that the Islamic State wouldn’t bother with under the assumption that it was already fucked. No wonder they’ve chosen to eat themselves to death. I think that Osiris might live in Carlisle.

To the best of my knowledge Lyle and Kyle don't have any interest in the Wild West. Not even Spaghetti Westerns, despite their apparent love of pasta. They don’t seem to be very culturally aware and their names don't suit them. Too Americanised by far. It makes them sound like they are from Denile, or maybe Scottsdale.

Not that I’m saying that anyone called Kyle or Lyle, who happen to be from Scottsdale are culturally aware. Clearly not. Stereotypes exist for a reason. Those guys are still eating plain pepperoni and laughing their asses off to Borat DVD’s despite the fact that it’s 2024. Like they don’t understand what cultural superiority is. Because they don’t. As an American I’m offended by everything that Sacha Baron Cohen ever did, and rightly so. Fuck that guy. Wayne Eastwood should shoot him in the balls. And I don’t mean secretly from behind a side door, like in, The Man that Shot Liberty Valance. I mean straight in his fucking face like some damn bad ass nigga from Straight Outa Denial.

Anyway, back to Lyle and Kyle. I struggle to focus sometimes, unlike the eye of Horus. They lived in denial in Carlisle. In Cumbria. In the north of England. Close to the Scottish border. In a grey council house (grey is British English for gray). A council house means like a government subsidised house. Their names didn’t suit them. They should have been called something more like Derek and Clive. Their parents lived on welfare and hence so did they. Yet they were both fat as fuck, but that’s European socialism for you. Funding the gaining life through tax payer pounds or euros. Being fat may be an American lifestyle choice but in England it’s subsidised. McDonald’s ala socialism. A license to print money.

I found them on TikTok (at least that’s an indication of entrepreneurship, right?). They only had like a hundred followers but I like became addicted to them anyway. They wore terrible training clothes, despite the fact that they’ve clearly never even heard of a gym. Kind of like some people in the southern states do. Only worse. Elasticated waists are cheap and comfortable for the overweight class. They dance, provocatively, shaking their tracksuited fat asses. I love it. It never occurred to me to ask who was filming. With every clip they got fatter. I love it. I hope that Anubis will take care of them.

Anyway, here’s my poem, Mr Stanton (552 lbs). I hope you like it. I really want to get an A in English.

Lyle and Kyle lived in Denial

Though they came from Cumbria

Not from Arizona or Pennsylvania 

I don’t think they liked Westerns

Although they were like my best uns

They had appetites like Dionysus

Though they didn't work like the rest of us

Living in an un-American world of welfare

In later life they would’ve needed the free health care

(That the British state provides ‘um)

Time spent eating they liked to beguile

Sexy fat asses and bellies from Carlisle

Their innocence I would’ve liked to defile

Lyle and Kyle x

It’s not me but their Dad or uncle that should be on trial

I’m age appropriate so no complaint you need to file

It’s whoever laid them under the patio that’s the fucking peadophile